The Demons of Decision Making

I’m not sure that I’m qualified to write this piece, being that I’m one who struggles to choose an item from the menu, an onion from the shelf, or the color of a new shirt. 

In fact, just last night I spent so much time on a food ordering app that I almost didn’t get anything at all. 

In the same breathe, I wonder if that’s what makes me uniquely qualified to talk about this topic. Being that I face the demons of decision making quite often, I have the chance to think about it a lot. What is the psychology behind making a decision? What’s standing in my way that makes this so hard? 

Over the years, I’ve developed an awareness of the limiting beliefs and false assumptions that stand behind my "paralysis by analysis”. Working from there, I developed systems to circumvent my old habits of thinking, and established new beliefs and methods that I can use when grappling with decision making. 

I can’t say that I’m perfect now myself, but I do know that these processes work. In the past few years, many friends have called me when making a hard decision (Ironic), and these same tactics that I’ll share with you have been helpful and insightful both to me and to them. 

Here we go.

There are three false assumptions that repeat themselves in every decision making crisis I or my friends have faced. They are bubbles that need to be popped, weeds that need to be pulled as soon as they grow. 

They are: 

1. The belief (subconscious or conscious) that life is black and white and certainty is a real thing that can be achieved. 

Many young people (Myself included) think that there is one all encompassing “right decision”, that will magically meet their every need and expectation. Don’t think that’s you? Consider this. Have you ever said or thought,

I have to wait to get married until I meet the perfect person. 

I’m looking for a career path that meets all my needs and interests. 

When I get to that stage of my life everything will be better/ok. 

Or something of the sort?

If any of these has popped into your head, (even subconsciously), you may be working with a limiting belief. That is - that there is one certain path that exists that will take you on a guaranteed journey of goodness. You just have to find it. Unfortunately, and fortunately, the world doesn’t work like that. It’s sometimes black, it’s sometimes white, but it is most often grey. The good news is - Every person gets a set of markers to color the grey space in. That set of markers is what some would call a mindset. If your mindset is focused on finding the growth in every opportunity and seeking the best of where you are, life will always be filled with color. If you are waiting for for the “white and right decision” that will lead you on a path of joy and bliss, you may always be waiting. You’ll have black, you’ll have white, but you’ll never have color. If this holds true, the chase for certainty is then a chase in vain. To have certainty, you need to be stable on the inside, not on the outside. 

2. Thinking that your decision is about what you should do, not who you are. 

When making a decision, most people rush to the “What”. “What should I do?” “How should I move forward”. Leadership expert Simon Sinek makes a key contribution to this discussion. Before thinking of your what, he says, you need to know your why. I’ll take it a step further. Before you know your why and your what, you need to know your “who”. 

Who are you? Who do you want to be? Where have you been and where do you see yourself going? 

This means that you need to have a core sense of self and values. Something that some may call an internal compass. If you don’t have a core set of values, you’re akin to a traveler wandering around in the desert alone without a map. That way might seem like it makes the most sense, but it’s not at all taking you to your water. You see, each person has their own source of water (Or energy) in life that nourishes them. Part of the journey is to identify and cling to what fills our cups. But, it’s critical to recognize that the wells of energy that give you life are different from the wells that give your friends life. You are unique. You were born unique, and if you’re lucky, you’ll die unique. That is, if you don’t spend your life basing your decisions on what other people think. When you don’t have a core set of values or a basic sense of who you are, you are susceptible to be swayed by all winds of change. Any suggestion that seems satisfying is likely to penetrate your undeveloped core. You are more likely to follow the herd off of the cliff than you are to follow your core to your own source of life. 

To combat this and gain a better understanding of you who are, I’d suggest sitting down a few times over the course of a month and asking yourself some key questions. That’s beyond the scope of this article, but pm me, or I’m happy to write another piece about it if you’d like to hear more. 

3. The fear that decisions are definitive and unchangeable. 

I’ve made plenty of bad decisions in my life. The good news, I’ve managed to reverse or redo almost all of them. I’ve even walked away better off for it. And still, often when faced with a new decision I place an unhealthy amount of weight on the (Imagined) consequences of the decision. Let’s use a restaurant menu as a simple example. 

I’m sitting at a restaurant, agonizing over the menu. I’m slightly embarrassed, because I’d really like to be focusing on the talk with my friend. But I just can’t choose. What if it’s not good. What if I could have chosen better. 

Well, silly me in that position, I’ve got news for you. If that happens, just go back to the restaurant and do it again. This decision has such little significance in your life. If you don’t like your dinner, nothing will change. This is only one of the hundreds of times you’ll go out for dinner in your life. Just get over it. 

I know this a small example, but I think it’s relevant to larger scale decisions as well. Often, we think that the decision we make will be the decision that we’re stuck with forever. It will come to define who we are and who we will be. If we backtrack on that decision, what are people going to think of us?

Again, the good news - nobody really cares. Nobody is really thinking about you. And even if they are, they’ll forget about it soon enough. Everyone has too much on their plate to worry about what’s on yours. 

And even better - there is no lost time on a bad decision. It’s the classic sunk cost fallacy example - We believe that once we’ve committed to a decision we have to go all in otherwise it was a waste of our time. 

But you know what, I don’t think so. I think that’s a false assumption and a limiting belief. 

Every bad decision that we make brings us closer to a better decision. Every path that we travel that isn’t our own brings us closer to our own trail. That doesn’t mean we should quit right away, we genuinely need to let our path unwind and discover it’s hidden gems. That’s what Angela Duckworth would call, “Grit”. However, if something isn’t working after a few months of trying, that’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. 

Just knowing that can you give the peace of mind to make a decision that has a few risks. Win or lose, it’s always a win win, there is always something to be gained. 

I could go on, but I think I’ll save it for another time. I’ve already written more than I expected. 

If you struggle with any of the above limiting beliefs, please let me know. If you think there’s something that I’m missing, please let me know. And if you’re finding yourself paralyzed with a decision at the moment, PM and I’ll send you a seven step doc I use to help me with hard decisions.

Best to you, have a lovely day.

Uri.