There's enough air to go around for everybody.

“In the unlikely case that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop above your seats. Before securing the masks of others, please make sure to _______”

You can finish the sentence. You've heard it 100 times. And there are many situations in which this "you first" mindset is helpful advice. However, there are also cases when this same principle that has helped you is the one that's holding you back.

Chief among them: Communication.

People have a real need for what researchers call, “Psychological Air”. That is, the need to be seen, heard, understood, and appreciated by others. 

And much like the unfortunate passengers on the rickety plane, if they don’t get their desired psychological air and validation, they won’t feel like they are able to breathe in their work place, marriages, or even friendships. 

The problem is, many people, myself included, are subconsciously walking around with this airplane mantra in our heads. “Before securing the masks of others, you have to secure your own mask.”

But when it comes to psychological air, this couldn’t be more unhelpful.

As Steven Covey explains, (And I liberally paraphrase) when you seek to be understood before seeking to understand, you are walking into a communication minefield. Everything that you say has a chance to detonate a mine and blow up the conversation. 

On the other hand, when you seek first to understand, you disarm the minefield and allow space for fruitful conversation. Paradoxically, when you forfeit your stubbornness and make room for others, you often find that they will make room for you as well. 

This is where the magic of connection happens, and two people can become a synergistic third entity that is greater than the sum of their parts. 

It’s important to note that this isn’t a gimmick, or a cheap communication fake. It has to be real and genuine. It takes work to be willing to accept that someone else has a valid perception of a situation that might differ from my own, and that’s ok. 

But when we can accomplish it, I think we can find that there is enough air to go around for everybody.